does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
