Already got asked if we're dating
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
