Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
