I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
