It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
