Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
