no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
