In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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