Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
