Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
