Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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