I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
