Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
