I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
