I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
