and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
