Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
