She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
