normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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