I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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