I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
