my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
