Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
