by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
