You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
