Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
