There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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