So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
