Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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