stop calling my apartment porn island.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
