If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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