I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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