She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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