When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
