i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
