I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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