im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
