looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I think I just sharted jello shots
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