Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
