you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
