This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
