I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
