no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
