I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
