Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize
