i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Help me help you realize you are a moron
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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