Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
