had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
