Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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