I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
