this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
