Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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